apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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