turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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