You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
