you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
