Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
