i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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