My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
