I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
