My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Hippo gnu deer
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
