dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
