On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
