im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
