It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She needs sedatives and a leash
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
