I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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