if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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