But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
