i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
