now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
