mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
