I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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