I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
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