Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
No stitches, just platelets and will power
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
