he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I think my moral compass just broke
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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