There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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