Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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