Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
