I can tuck mytits in my pants
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
