I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
