it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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