he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
