i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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