these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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