Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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