You don't have asthma, your pregnant
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
he had hair everywhere except his balls
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
