you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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