How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
