Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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