I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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