I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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