I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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