i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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