Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
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