I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
