He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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