he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize