I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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