You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
