thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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