So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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