She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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