8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
